Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
