I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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