The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Panties = found
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
