I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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