wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
