We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
