I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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