i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
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Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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