In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
