I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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