final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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