I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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