Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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