Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
