went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
