i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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