This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
