I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
