ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
