Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
