I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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