I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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