One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
tell me about the eggs
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
