By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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