I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
