We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
