i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
lol hangovers are for mortals.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
