So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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