if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
