On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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