I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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