He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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