mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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