ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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