i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
