So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
