I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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