You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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