I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
