actually, I'm a sock model
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
