i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
