And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
