Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
