I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
