I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
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Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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