I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
