So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
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So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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