my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
