I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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