I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
