You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
