You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
