I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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