I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
