What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He called his prostate his "boner button".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
