Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
wat bout pragnant strippers??
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
