I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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