i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
